Let’s be honest, i am a pessimist most of the time. there is one time in my life i remember being more optimistic than pessimistic and well, it has made me more of the pessimist i’m afraid.
I have definitely seen better seasons of life and each day i am challenged by my poor attitude. although this season sucks, I hate it, it hurts, it’s lonely, it’s tiresome, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s never ending, it’s every directions, it’s constant, it is still not as bad as what others deal with. it is still not something i should daily let affect my attitude and behavior.
i am a creature of control. i would love to think i have control over my life and well at one point i did somewhat. and God tried to teach me not to be that way. and i worked really hard at it and thought i was getting “better” and now i find myself feeling like i have zero control. and i’m not sure it’s the kind of zero control you are supposed to have. it’s like the not only do i not have control but it’s still not Jesus who has it it’s everyone else. and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to deal. my tired body says stay locked in your room and only come out for class. and o how a huge part of me would love that right now. the hermit life would suit me well for awhile i believe. perhaps then i would be forced to face homework in a timely manner and not be tempted to be outside my room around people and just spend it with Jesus, like really, actually spend time with Him not just pretending. i would love to just escape and come back with life makes a little more sense; when my horrible attitude is a bit more adjusted; when my heart is filled with the capability to love a tiny bit more.
for now, i want to hide in the mountains with my hoodie, my blanket, jesus, and lots of sad songs.
just being honest