Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be honest, i am a pessimist most of the time. there is one time in my life i remember being more optimistic than pessimistic and well, it has made me more of the pessimist i’m afraid.

I have definitely seen better seasons of life and each day i am challenged by my poor attitude. although this season sucks, I hate it, it hurts, it’s lonely, it’s tiresome, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s never ending, it’s every directions, it’s constant, it is still not as bad as what others deal with. it is still not something i should daily let affect my attitude and behavior.

i am a creature of control. i would love to think i have control over my life and well at one point i did somewhat. and God tried to teach me not to be that way. and i worked really hard at it and thought i was getting “better” and now i find myself feeling like i have zero control. and i’m not sure it’s the kind of zero control you are supposed to have. it’s like the not only do i not have control but it’s still not Jesus who has it it’s everyone else. and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to deal. my tired body says stay locked in your room and only come out for class. and o how a huge part of me would love that right now. the hermit life would suit me well for awhile i believe. perhaps then i would be forced to face homework in a timely manner and not be tempted to be outside my room around people and just spend it with Jesus, like really, actually spend time with Him not just pretending. i would love to just escape and come back with life makes a little more sense; when my horrible attitude is a bit more adjusted; when my heart is filled with the capability to love a tiny bit more.

for now, i want to hide in the mountains with my hoodie, my blanket, jesus, and lots of sad songs.

just being honest

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Let’s Be Honest

One thought on “Let’s Be Honest

  1. hal says:

    Jodi..jodi…why so glum?

    I would love to hear all the things that you held back from putting in this post. You know, all the real stuff. Give me the grity side of it, I’d love to still be as much of a friend as possible. 5000 miles is a lot to overcome, but you still have my ear whenever you have need. That will stay the same.

    Miss you friend. Talk to you soon.

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