I was never the last kid picked at recess. Emily and I were the fastest girls so after all the boys were picked they would pick us. Or if my friend Josh or Thomas was a captain I would get picked early.
Now I’m feeling a little bit like the last three standing. You know where two teams get to kinda pick you and then one team is stuck with the last kid.
You see, it’s April and I finally heard something from CSM. Another site e-mailed me saying they have one spot open and asking if I was still interested and wanted to have a phone interview with me. So…I e-mailed them back saying yes I would love to talk to them. And PLEASE don’t think I’m not excited because I really am. Fear and insecurity are running rampant in me right now and I’m trying to just trust Jesus. I have trusted Him with it so far and now that someone wants me I completely freaked out and felt like the last pick and pulled out my “flaw list” with every fault and flaw I have about why no sight will want me.
I have fear.
I have fear of if no sight places me on their list what that means. I have fear that I will get in the way of Jesus. I have fear that I’m not good enough to cut it. That I’m not holy enough or spiritual enough. I have fear that I can’t recite the whole new testament and that the pages in my new Bible are still kinda crisp.
I say this not as a silent plea for your reassurance of who I am, because honestly I know that you guys care about me but what you think of me does not matter and can not get in the way of what Jesus think of me and that’s where I need to rest right now. I must rest there because well….I need that.
I am excited about Nashville. I can already list lots of good reasons and things about Nashvegas. I better start listening to country music before my interview so I’m in the Nashvegas mood!
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.