Sometimes it’s gripping. Sometimes is a subtle voice of uncertainty. Sometimes it comes from something new or unknown.
Sometimes fear come from within us; our insecurities and failures. Sometimes fear comes for our circumstances; being out of control or lost or unknowing.
However it comes upon you I think we all experience fear in some degree. Yes, we all know better than to fear. We know that a holy fear of God is ok but that our trust should be confident in Him that He only lets us endure what we can withstand and that He is in control.
If you Biblegateway the phrase “Fear Not” you get 80 verses about fearing the Lord and not fearing anything/one else.
I read these. I have heard these. My mom has written them on tiny pieces of paper and taped them inside my cabbage patch dolls itsy bitsy pocket. I have repeated them to myself when terrified at camp or during storms. Yet if I’m to be honest, I have fear about Nashville.
It’s a tension in my heart. I am confident that Nashvile is where I am supposed to be this summer. I have confidence that God will protect and use me. Yet that confidence is coupled with a fear of the unknown, insecurities, and things I can not control. Last night while I tried to sleep I ran through tiny dreams of instances in my life when I had fear.
I remember camping out in the living room when I was little captured by the weather map in the lower right hand corner of the screen, staring at my county to see what color it was. I had my Jack in the Box blanket and my doll Emily. I remember when the sirens went off in the 2nd grade and I bawled like someone had just severed my legs off.
I remember going to camp. (6yearmed was my counselor) and crying myself to sleep at night or sleeping with one of my friends because I was too scared to be away from home. I remember crying and begging my parents to take me home with them after the talent show.
I remember always pretending like I was going to spend the night at birthday parties but my mom and I both knew I would call about 11. I hated not sleeping in my space or having to do things I had not done before.
I remember going on my first CSM trip and being so nervous about having to eat ethnic food. I was scared I would not like it and I would go hungry and get sick.
I look at how far I have come to overcome these fears and I know that God conquers even the smallest things in our lives.
I can survive tornadoe sires at college without crying. I can spend a week taking care of homesick kids at camp and do just fine. I can spend the night with friends and stay in hotels in unknown cities by myself. I can politely try most foods and know that hunger is a feeling I have probably never truly experienced.
Yet, I am still fearful about this summer.
I feel unprepared.
I feel behind the other hosts since I did not interview at that sight.
I feel physically weak from Mr. Stone and fearful of not being health wise up to par.
I feel insecure.
And I hate it.
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.