The Best Deal Ever

I was once told by a young boy in the ghetto that I was “worth at least 50 cents” – Granted at the time I had NO idea what that meant but I knew that him playing the wedding march over a bullhorn while wrangling kids up for a VBS program meant that

A.) He didn’t know what that meant either

B.) I was in big trouble

C.) He valued me

Now for this little guy growing up in Anacostia chances are it was a combination of A, B and C. But he had a good idea – marrying me – even if it was just a for a pretend moment while walking around his block – he had the best bride around (I was also the only one around but details)

So here is the deal – Jessica and I need ย fake Fiances. That’s right Fiances.

10 Details for Fiance – if you can rock this list then please apply.

1. Must love Jesus – fake or real this is part of the deal

2. Willing to fight Cave Crickets when they jump at Jessica and I

3. Keep an extra phone on hand – so when you aren’t around and I have kill said cave cricket for Jessica and my phone screen breaks you can help me out ๐Ÿ™‚

4. Make occasional appearances in the ghetto. This is your chance to boast as guardian and protector. This is the opportunity for you to be triumphant in showing all of our classy neighbors that you frequent our apartment, care for us and are bigger/stronger/part of the mob/don’t mess with my girl and her roomies kind of guy.

5. Heart of an Amish man – as in when you pick me (and Jessica) up in your courting carriage or car – you will have the desire to bring comfort to your lady, and have the car warmed up (feel free to drive all the way up to the door you ย if you are an over achiever)

6. Enjoy food. So much so that you like to cook for my roomie and I (only on occassion) or would like to surprise us with dinner after a long day or ย would like to meet me for lunch since Dan moved away to Chicago and abandoned me at lunch time.

7. Embrace – share a hug with my lovely roommate whenever she has a bad day and needs a hug – I can only give out so many in a day

8. Achieve balance – be around enough that stranger could identify you with our apartment, our row in church etc. but not around too much – we don’t want people to think we are actually engaged

9. Provide technical support – We have been spoiled by Steve and Dan. If our wireless internet poops out we will need some help ๐Ÿ™‚

10. Dance it out – when we have bad days we are little like Cristina and Meredith and have to dance it out – you will need to join

 

What’s in it for you?

1.) The opportunity to practice your husband skills before getting married – we will help you refine these traits so you are properly prepared for your actual mate

2.) Boasting Rights.

3.) Wedding dates. In return for you service to us we will gladly accompany you to weddings, special dinners and family events as long as they include laughter, good food and dancing (car dancing on the way counts)

4.) Profile pic. We will spruce your profile pic up on facebook. Limit one photo.

5.) Hugs. I give really good hugs if I want to hug you. We promise to save 1 hug a day for you. Please note that you will not be seeing us every day which means on the days you do see us it is possible that you will have multiple hugs saved up. (see previous statement on hugs. consider this a sign of how much I appreciate you)

6.) Encouragement. We will honestly tell you how great you are and hook you up with available friends.

7.) Freedom. When your actually mate enters your life you are free to exit ours.

 

 

Interested? ….just drop a comment and we will send an application your way!

 

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The Best Deal Ever

12 thoughts on “The Best Deal Ever

  1. In some sick way I feel as though this is a step in the right direction regarding your “I’m never getting married” attitude. First step, fake fiancee. Next step: REAL ONE! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. i feel ridiculously honored to have been mentioned TWICE in this post in two different items!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    also, anytime i’m in town i can lend actual urban street cred to my intimidation times. those ghetto thugs won’t know what hit them.

    1. Jody Glazner says:

      Dan….you would have to wear a shirt saying you have street cred because looking at you no one would ever know ๐Ÿ™‚ BUT you can always be my lunch buddy ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Jody Glazner says:

      BhAhahahahahah – I guess I should add in that they have to be single. But – he doesn’t have any “married” tasks as my fake fiance so really……………

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