Tension In My Heart

earlier today I tweeted: “today I – didn’t do a thing for anyone else and I said no. Talk about a personal win! So why don’t I feel like jumping up and down?”

There is a tension in my heart.

Today was my day off and for the first time in………..I took the day off, the entire day. I didn’t serve anyone. I didn’t text/call/facebook any of my students, leaders or friends to see how their day was. I didn’t visit anyone who was post-op or sad.

I ate my weight in bacon with 2 amazing friends then I ran a few errands – all of selfish nature – before camping out in my room.

I listened to the neighbor kids play and fight. I let the window repair guy in.

I napped. I wasted time on facebook and twitter. I read blogs. I laid in my bed for hours resting.

Resting like I haven’t done in months. And then I cried.

Are you ever so hungry for Jesus that you almost find yourself avoiding Him? That was me the first half of the day….and then I read, I wrote and I cried.

There is a tension in my heart.

I know I need rest. I know there is wisdom in saying no. I know it’s ok to take personal time and waste it away on things that make my heart happy…..but people make my heart happy. Serving makes me feel connected to Jesus’ heart. He makes it clear – but He also spent time in solitude.

There is a tension in my heart.

Because I don’t get this balance. I’m 110 mph for others and -110 for myself. I struggle when I sit in my room and know people are cold outside. I hurt when I know people are broken and alone. I question where the line of selfishness and selflessness meet for someone to be healthy.

There is a tension in my heart.

While I feel rested from today my eyes still cry when I reflect on my time. I miss it. So often I miss it. And it’s not about being busy. Busyness is not ministry. The days when I go 110 for others I still miss it. So today I feel tension at how unbalanced my “everydays” are.

Anyone else struggle to balance time for yourself vs time for others? How do you fight the tension to have solitude and carry out Jesus’ heart for the broken, hurting, orphaned?

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Tension In My Heart

2 thoughts on “Tension In My Heart

  1. deb says:

    Have you ever thought about how many people Jesus walked by that He KNEW, because He is God so He KNOWS everything, were hurting physically, emotionally or spiritually? You’ve already answered your own question. Jesus took time to be ALONE with His Father. The analogy I’ve envisioned lately is one of spinning plates on the ends of sticks, running from one end of the line to the other to keep them going, thinking ‘which one next?’ and going, going, going. I just discovered that some of those plates can be taken off those sticks to rest on the shelf and some of those plates belong to someone else to spin and some of those plates are truly the ministry He has for me therefore He will supply all I need.
    This multi-tasking, even in ministry, is clouding our view of seeing exactly what He has for us. He wants “me” first and foremost. He is jealous for ME! I’ve found a newness in my relationship with Him this past week and am now even jealous for time with Him! I think I really, really like this!!
    Am praying you find the balance and perspective He has just for you!
    All a momma’s love!

  2. I love your questions, I love your heart and I’m glad I don’t have answers for you. I think there’s a reason for the tension. I think uncomfortable tension is just one way of defining this life with Jesus. It hurts to sacrificially serve, it hurts to walk away knowing what isn’t getting done while you rest. But both are vital, and therefore the tension exists.

    It’s a good tension. Maybe that’s the saving grace. Reminding ourselves that it’s not comfortable but it is good. Both are obedience, therefore it is good.

    Love you sweet friend!

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